The Gift of Choice: Ending the Power Struggle

Once your child learns the magic of the word “no,” it often feels like just about everything has the potential to create a power struggle. From getting dressed to taking a bath to bedtime, each new direction runs the risk of resistance and meltdowns. To make matters worse, this power struggle can last long after the toddler season has passed - as adolescents push even more passionately for their freedom to make choices and direct their own lives.

One of the most effective ways to address this tension is to harness the power of choice. By providing multiple acceptable options and then allowing children the freedom to select from them, parents can ensure their children’s needs and safety are met while simultaneously creating opportunities for them to develop executive functioning skills and age-appropriate self- direction.

To better understand how this might be applied in daily life, here are some examples of the power of choice when handling meals, bedtime, and transitions/delayed gratification. With the overarching principle in mind, it becomes easier to invent new, creative adaptations that can naturally evolve with your child’s unique personality, age, and needs.

MEALS

Meals can be a challenge for so many different reasons. We want to ensure children meet their nutritional needs, but it’s also important to help them develop a healthy relationship with food and not associate it with conflict, force, or avoidance. They are learning how to listen to and respect their hunger cues, and the age-old tradition of ‘clear the plate’ forces those cues to be ignored. A 2017 study from the National Institute of Health found that with the right balance between structure and autonomy, the power of choice can be a powerful tool that promotes their involvement and limits ‘food fussiness.’

● If the struggle is about what to eat, try providing a list of acceptable options and let your child choose from those. For example, you might share 10+ vegetables that could be included in their snacks this coming week and ask which ones are their favorites.

● If the struggle is more about the eating process itself, choices might include in what order they want to eat the items on their plate or what song to hum while chewing each new bite.

● Sometimes, focusing too much on the food itself can lead to avoidable conflicts. Try having a list of 100 kid-friendly discussion questions and prompting them to choose a number between 1 and 100. Then, have each person at the table take turns answering them. This strategy recenters the focus on family connection instead of fixating on the meal itself.

BEDTIME

● Ask your child whether they would like to have a bubble bath, do yoga stretches, or read together before bedtime. This cues your child into the fact that the time is approaching but hasn’t arrived yet, and there’s still a chance to have at least a little more fun before then. It also helps to choose activities that are calming and avoid electronics or overly stimulating games or exercises.

● After that first cue passes and it’s time to lay down, try giving choices for which blanket to use, ask what position they like to sleep in, and envision what kinds of dreams they hope to have. These questions not only help cultivate a strong relationship and bond, but they continuously allow your children to feel a sense of empowerment and self-determination in something as simple as bedtime.

TRANSITIONS & ‘NOT RIGHT NOW’

● If it’s difficult for your child to make transitions between activities or to leave something fun, potential choices might include whether to head home now or stay for 10 more minutes, or asking them for suggestions of what to do next after this has ended.

● Sometimes, it’s not an issue of ‘no’ but rather, ‘not right now.’ For example, if your child asks for ice cream and it’s not the appropriate time/place, an example response could be, “Oh I love ice cream too, that’s a great idea! I think it would be even better if we could do that with Grandma since she also loves ice cream. Should we go see her this weekend and have ice cream together? What flavors should we get?” While “No” is a natural and unavoidable part of life, that doesn’t mean it’s the only response to every question a child asks that doesn’t warrant an immediate “Yes.”

Making decisions as a parent about what’s best for your child while also encouraging their independence and decision-making skills can be difficult goals to balance. If power struggles regularly lead to meltdowns and tears, providing a few choices can be transformative not only in the prevention of conflict but also in the development of essential life skills and deepening the relationship between you and your child.

Written by Brandi R.

Developing Flexible Thinkers Through Extracurricular Activities

Flexible thinking is a powerful tool as it contributes to successful problem solving, adaptability, perseverance, and contributes to metacognition and positive thinking. This type of thinking can be implicitly and explicitly practiced through intentional practice, modeling, and embedding these skills in the activities children are completing. Flexible thinking allows children to view situations from multiple perspectives and apply a variety of solution-oriented strategies in a safe environment.

Children learn the importance of flexibility from a young age in PE, athletics, and extracurricular activities. For example, if you were to watch the first ten minutes of a softball practice, you would see active children preparing their bodies for a practice or  game. What you won’t be able to see, however, is that children are not only practicing active flexibility, but they are also preparing their minds to practice flexible thinking skills. Although it is hidden, it is equally important for their success. Extracurricular activities, including hobbies, sports, clubs, and community service, build essential flexible thinking skills.

Hobbies and Clubs

Hobbies are an excellent way for children to learn about themselves, their interests, and practice flexible thinking. Hobbies such as painting, music, photography, writing, yoga, and cooking allow children to explore solutions to difficult problems. Overcoming writer’s block, adjusting a new yoga pose, and modifying a recipe are all different ways children can practice flexible thinking. Creative and critical thinking can also promote mental flexibility. Various clubs can improve these skills such as Chess, Drama, Improv, Art, and Book clubs can provide structured opportunities for students to practice enhancing their skills.

Sports

Different sports and mindful activities can help children develop mental flexibility through task analyzing and routines. Oftentimes children need to analyze their performance for improvements, make real-time decisions, find quick solutions for problems that arise, adjust their performance as needed, process information, and practice situational awareness. These skills can be improved during practice and during their team or individual performance (i.e game, meet, competition). 

Community Service

Community service is a great way for children to get involved and give back to the community. For young children, this may be done as part of a group such as Boy Scouts or an athletic team. While doing so, they can also practice their mental flexibility. When completing community service, children are faced with different problems they may need to overcome. Some situations may be unpredictable and require quick thinking to face these challenges. Other types of community service may encourage children to engage with the process of developing a plan. All of these examples require different components of flexible thinking which children can practice with support until they are able to perform specific tasks independently.

The flexible thinking skills learned through extracurricular activities can translate into real-world experiences. Children can use these skills to help solve problems, use positive self-talk, welcome changes to plans, and overcome challenges. By learning these skills early, children are more likely to continue exercising what they have learned throughout adulthood. Unfortunately, challenges don’t go away as children grow up- they typically get more complicated. Continuing to practice these skills will help children successfully manage changes and uncertainties as adults.

To see Peak’s last blog on flexible thinking, click here.

 Written by Ami Z.

Cultivating Cognitive Flexibility in Your Child

Of all the executive functions, cognitive flexibility stands out as one of the most crucial skills to develop in our youth. Cognitive flexibility is the ability to adapt, revise, and shift behavior in response to roadblocks, changing situations, mistakes, and new information. By nurturing cognitive flexibility, you can empower your child to approach new challenges with creativity, problem-solving skills, and resilience.

The Role of Cognitive Flexibility

Life doesn't always go as planned! Being cognitively flexible allows you to explore alternative solutions, adjust based on new ideas or information, think creatively, and ultimately be more successful. School-aged children thrive with routine and consistency, which is fantastic for them, but it can also lead to somewhat rigid thinking. By explicitly teaching strategies to build a sense of flexibility, you can help your child balance their love of routine while also freeing them to problem-solve, think creatively, and thrive in all of life's complex and ever-changing situations.

Change in Routine

It is easy to get stuck in the same routine day in and day out. By adding small and manageable changes to your daily routine, you can actually improve your child's cognitive flexibility. Try changing the work environment for your child's homework time. If you normally work at home every day, maybe head to an outdoor picnic table one day or the library and see how it goes! If every weekend your child likes to play at the same splash pad, change it up and go to a completely new one! These small adjustments to the routine may seem simple, but they can play a huge role in strengthening mental flexibility.

New Experiences

Engage your child in opportunities for new experiences often! Trying new foods, experimenting with new hobbies, traveling to new places, and learning new skills can all help your child develop more cognitive flexibility. New experiences actually allow the brain to develop and strengthen new connections!

Sports, Games, and other Fun

What could be more fun than playing a sport, a board game, or learning a new dance? The best part is that all of these activities are awesome ways to cultivate your child's flexibility. Let's take soccer as an example. If a kid has the ball and wants to try to make a goal, but a player on the opposite team blocks them, they must adapt by either passing the ball or going another way. This kind of thinking will be required in almost any sport or game, and all will help with this executive function. Puzzles, brain-teasers, and art projects also apply here.

Perspective and Open-Mindedness

Encourage your child to be open to new ideas and perspectives that might differ from their own. This can be achieved through discussion, reading books about other cultures, and even role-playing. Having an open mind and the ability to tolerate different perspectives fosters both empathy and flexibility.

Mindfulness Practices

Introducing mindfulness activities, such as deep breathing or meditation, can help your child develop focus and emotional regulation. Strengthening these skills will enhance cognitive flexibility while also reducing impulsivity.

By fostering cognitive flexibility, you can provide your child with the tools to navigate the complexities of life, adapt to new situations, and approach challenges with resilience and creativity. As your child's cognitive flexibility grows, they will become better equipped to embrace the ever-changing world with confidence, curiosity, and adaptability.

Written by Laine J.