Once your child learns the magic of the word “no,” it often feels like just about everything has the potential to create a power struggle. From getting dressed to taking a bath to bedtime, each new direction runs the risk of resistance and meltdowns. To make matters worse, this power struggle can last long after the toddler season has passed - as adolescents push even more passionately for their freedom to make choices and direct their own lives.
One of the most effective ways to address this tension is to harness the power of choice. By providing multiple acceptable options and then allowing children the freedom to select from them, parents can ensure their children’s needs and safety are met while simultaneously creating opportunities for them to develop executive functioning skills and age-appropriate self- direction.
To better understand how this might be applied in daily life, here are some examples of the power of choice when handling meals, bedtime, and transitions/delayed gratification. With the overarching principle in mind, it becomes easier to invent new, creative adaptations that can naturally evolve with your child’s unique personality, age, and needs.
MEALS
Meals can be a challenge for so many different reasons. We want to ensure children meet their nutritional needs, but it’s also important to help them develop a healthy relationship with food and not associate it with conflict, force, or avoidance. They are learning how to listen to and respect their hunger cues, and the age-old tradition of ‘clear the plate’ forces those cues to be ignored. A 2017 study from the National Institute of Health found that with the right balance between structure and autonomy, the power of choice can be a powerful tool that promotes their involvement and limits ‘food fussiness.’
● If the struggle is about what to eat, try providing a list of acceptable options and let your child choose from those. For example, you might share 10+ vegetables that could be included in their snacks this coming week and ask which ones are their favorites.
● If the struggle is more about the eating process itself, choices might include in what order they want to eat the items on their plate or what song to hum while chewing each new bite.
● Sometimes, focusing too much on the food itself can lead to avoidable conflicts. Try having a list of 100 kid-friendly discussion questions and prompting them to choose a number between 1 and 100. Then, have each person at the table take turns answering them. This strategy recenters the focus on family connection instead of fixating on the meal itself.
BEDTIME
● Ask your child whether they would like to have a bubble bath, do yoga stretches, or read together before bedtime. This cues your child into the fact that the time is approaching but hasn’t arrived yet, and there’s still a chance to have at least a little more fun before then. It also helps to choose activities that are calming and avoid electronics or overly stimulating games or exercises.
● After that first cue passes and it’s time to lay down, try giving choices for which blanket to use, ask what position they like to sleep in, and envision what kinds of dreams they hope to have. These questions not only help cultivate a strong relationship and bond, but they continuously allow your children to feel a sense of empowerment and self-determination in something as simple as bedtime.
TRANSITIONS & ‘NOT RIGHT NOW’
● If it’s difficult for your child to make transitions between activities or to leave something fun, potential choices might include whether to head home now or stay for 10 more minutes, or asking them for suggestions of what to do next after this has ended.
● Sometimes, it’s not an issue of ‘no’ but rather, ‘not right now.’ For example, if your child asks for ice cream and it’s not the appropriate time/place, an example response could be, “Oh I love ice cream too, that’s a great idea! I think it would be even better if we could do that with Grandma since she also loves ice cream. Should we go see her this weekend and have ice cream together? What flavors should we get?” While “No” is a natural and unavoidable part of life, that doesn’t mean it’s the only response to every question a child asks that doesn’t warrant an immediate “Yes.”
Making decisions as a parent about what’s best for your child while also encouraging their independence and decision-making skills can be difficult goals to balance. If power struggles regularly lead to meltdowns and tears, providing a few choices can be transformative not only in the prevention of conflict but also in the development of essential life skills and deepening the relationship between you and your child.
Written by Brandi R.