If discipline has felt like a negative experience and you’ve longed for an alternative approach, you may want to try disciplining like an optimist. That phrase might sound odd, but consider it this way. An optimist hopes for the best and focuses confidently on forthcoming success. A pessimist does the opposite: plans for the worst and reacts when it happens. So how does optimism play a role in discipline, and why are so many common approaches “pessimistic”?
POSITIVE VS NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT
It can often feel like so much of parenting is reminding children what not to do. Rules might even be presented in the negative, starting with words like “don’t” and “no.” Unfortunately, this method is ‘pessimistic’ because it plans for the worst and reacts when it happens: the child enacts some sort of undesirable behavior, and the parent responds with negative reinforcement (removing a stimulus, such as electronics time or ‘grounding’). To make matters worse, punishment often feels centered around shame, guilt, and conflict. It's rarely a positive experience for anyone involved.
In contrast, positive reinforcement flips that paradigm upside down by rewarding the behaviors we want to see. When it comes to changing behavior, this approach yields far better and faster results than punishment (National Library of Medicine). By celebrating desired behaviors, families can also help their children cultivate a sense of personal accomplishment, pride, and belonging.
SETTING CLEAR TARGETs
First, brainstorm a list of behaviors that make a happy, healthy, and kind home. Choosing the ones that matter the most to you, write these as “I will” statements. Depending on your preferences and priorities as a family, this list may range between 5 and 15 statements.
Be sure that the wording is something you and your child could easily identify taking place, such as “I will wait my turn to speak” or “I will keep my hands to myself.” Abstract ideas such as “I will be kind” may be too ambiguous, and a measurable alternative will be more effective and clear.
Some examples include:
Wait my turn to speak
Listen the first time I'm asked
Keep a positive attitude
Help take good care of our home
Respect our furniture and belongings
Finish a task (like homework or chores) without being reminded
Keep my hands to myself
Tell the truth
Use appropriate/kind language
Keep my room clean
DAILY REVIEW
At the end of each day, review the list with your child. After hearing their thoughts, try to affirm or gently modify their assessment. Focus on acknowledging the presence of a behavior, without any shame or punishment associated with its absence. For each statement that was true, add a sticker to a weekly tracking sheet.
It’s important to review them daily and not weekly, however, because daily stickers provide more immediate positive reinforcement through verbal praise and tangible reinforcement. This is especially true for children who struggle with executive functions, for whom immediate reward systems are substantially more effective than those that are overly delayed.
WEEKLY REWARDS
In addition to the list of behaviors, work together to make a list of long-term rewards to associate with accomplishing a certain number of stickers by the end of each week. These rewards can vary widely, but they should be big enough to motivate and small enough to prevent an over-reliance on extrinsic motivation. Some examples might be baking together, staying up a little past bedtime on the weekends, going to a movie, etc.
Choosing positive reinforcers can be a delicate and important task. For example, using food as a reward has been linked to potentially negative effects, but activities might focus more on time spent together, such as baking a new recipe or drinking hot chocolate while reading a new book. Wherever possible, it can also help to link them as natural consequences of the behavior itself. For example, your child’s ability to keep their room clean throughout the week may result in extra time over the weekend for a preferred activity.
CONCLUSION
Ultimately, the optimistic approach to discipline intentionally prepares for desirable outcomes by setting goals in advance and celebrating each success as it arrives. As opposed to the generally negative feelings associated with punishment, this method can create a positive atmosphere around how a child reflects on and then strives to modify their daily choices. Plus, positive reinforcement can go a long way in building up a child’s self-esteem, while simultaneously strengthening family relationships and creating excitement around making good choices each day.
Written by: Brandi R.